Lifetime’s “Maneater,” the most engrossing movie I’ve seen all year

OK. Judging from the poster you might not think this Lifetime movie looks promising. At the very least, you’d have some questions. Is this a movie about a food critic? A cake decorator? A giant?

In actuality, Maneater casts aside these piddling questions and asks something much more challenging: Can you build a four-hour film around a cast of characters with no redeeming qualities?

The answer is YES, and it raises one more question. HOW MANY EMMYS WILL THIS AMAZING TV MOVIE WIN??

This miniseries (aka “long-ass movie”) has to be seen to be believed, but here are some teasers:

• The central tension in the film is that Clarissa, the protagonist, has to get married quickly because she’s 32 and doesn’t want to get a job
• Clarissa hangs out with her BFFs in dozens of “girlfriend scenes.” None of them have jobs either, so these scenes take place at “girl locations” — the pool, the gym, a magazine stand, etc. If you want crib notes on these characters, think Sex and the City ladies minus all that pesky humor and wit
• Clarissa’s mom is played by Maria Conchita Alonso, mainly because they needed a funny “Latin sounding” character to make guest appearances. The only other Hispanic characters in the movie are former gang members
• “Maneater” is sponsored by Vaseline, but instead of using some cop-out product placement the excellent screenwriters found ways to work moisturizing scenes into the plot of the film. I didn’t realize the seamlessness of this technique until I was in the drugstore buying Vaseline Aloe Fresh at 3 am
• By the end of the movie, one character has died, one has given birth, one has revealed a secret identity, and all the girlfriends have boyfriends. So, something for everyone

This movie is so complex and rich that it has to be the length of two regular movies. Because I was crying with laughter and emotion, so far I’ve only gotten through the last 20 minutes (which I saw first) and the first hour and a half. That leaves OVER TWO HOURS of sweet, sweet narrative to soak up. I have it DVRed, but you can watch the full four hours on the Lifetime website.

Thank god it’s a miniseries. It would be a shame to lose even one moment of man-landing and moisturizing.